I am worthy of more ✨

Lately, I've been so preoccupied with what I don't have that I've shrunken into a smaller, insecure version of myself, the one who feels like I only deserve scraps. It feels like everyone else is doing and accomplishing cool things, taking big steps in their lives while I'm over here, swimming in the ether of unknowingness. As much as I have made progress on decoupling my sense of identity and self worth from my career, there are still many days I feel feel bad about myself because I don't have a job.

I realized that I've been playing it small because of this mentality. I had been applying to some pretty crappy jobs out of desperation. I justified doing so by rationalizing to myself that the reduced hours, stress, or responsibilities would provide enough of a tradeoff from a title or salary perspective. But, I deserve something incredible. I deserve a fulfilling and enriching job even if I haven't had much luck yet. Rejection after rejection has been wearing me down, but none of these jobs have worked out because I am meant to do something greater. I deserve a job that not only pays the bills, but a place that could really use and value my unique talents, skills, and perspectives. The crazy thing is that this process has worn down on my confidence and made me question my credentials and the experience I've built over the years, whereas those are the things I should be sure of. I do believe we are in a job market that has been unprecedented for my generation, who entered the workforce during a booming economy and has yet to experience such an employer-skewed market until recently.

I'm listening to Morgan Housel's The Psychology of Money, and it reads differently now than when I first read it a couple years ago. I love what he says about flexibility:

"If you have flexibility you can wait for good opportunities, both in your career and for your investments. You’ll have a better chance of being able to learn a new skill when it’s necessary. You’ll have more leeway to find your passion and your niche at your own pace. You can find a new routine, a slower pace, and think about life with a different set of assumptions."

Morgan Housel

I realized I am lucky to have the flexibility to wait for a good opportunity. I have and am continuing to learn new skills because it has been necessary to find new sources of income. I am living a new routine at a slower pace and trying out a life filled with less anxiety and more presence. I am working on my mindset and cultivating an attitude of abundance. I don't want to play it small. I don't want to play to just not lose. I want to win.

Lastly, one other interesting takeaway from all of this is that I am someone who really enjoys having something to focus on. Maybe we all do. Housel says that "the highest form of wealth is the ability to wake up every morning and say, 'I can do whatever I want, when I want, with who I want, for as long as I want.'" But to fully embrace this, you need to actually know what it is that you want to do. Most people, by default and because they have no choice, spend their time working their job, but for the lucky few who can choose, we still need to have things we want to engage in. People think retirement is about sitting around and doing nothing because you can, but that doesn't bring the kind of joy that you can get from fully participating in an active life you have designed. We need to anchor our time and energy on things that have intrinsic value—whether that be a project, family, an artistic craft, community participation, etc.

What about you? Have you been playing it small? Have you approaching whatever challenge is in front of you just so you don't lose? What if you actually played to win?