Looking in the mirror: a few brutally honest self reflections
If I'm brutally honest with myself--which I finally feel like I'm in the mental space to be--I have noticed and acknowledge that I have some major patterns I'd like to work on. When you're busy just trying to get through life, you don't necessarily have the mental or emotional capacity to reflect on who you are. The person who you are is not the person you think you are in your head. It's not the idealized version of you, but the you who exists because of the actions you've taken. The you who has actualized in real life through your choices. This does not discredit larger factors of societal norms, biases, or prejudices that exist, but take these challenges as another facet of reality that we must live through, whether or not we want to.
For me personally, I've been grappling with the question of how do I live a meaningful life that is full of joy and purpose. I want to know that I've spent my time on Earth in a good way, in a way that I'll feel at peace when it's my time to go. In order to do so, this requires some reflection on how I've lived thus far to understand where I'm getting in my own way. Maybe because I'm turning 30 in a couple of months, I've been feeling extra reflective and philosophical. I want to know that the ups and downs of my 20s weren't for nothing, that the heartache and pain were payment for learning.
Things to keep in mind going forward:
1. Don't get discouraged so easily. Keep going when things get tough or don't go my way. Actually enjoy and experience the process, not just rush to the outcome. Not everything will end up the way I want, but give things a chance to blossom and have faith in the process.
I am someone who doesn't stay in things longer than I have to. In some ways, this is a strength in that I know when to cut my losses and move on. It means I don't waste time on situations that cannot be improved or are truly just bad for me. In part, this is because I have a very strong gut intuition and when I get that feeling of "danger alert," I'm ready to make an exit. At the same time, there are probably moments or experiences where things can be improved, either with more time or my own effort. Expecting things to to come quickly and easily is a mistake and that taking a long-term, slower, sustainable view is wise. I think about the e-commerce business that I started and closed during the pandemic. We probably were open for about 1.5 years, but we didn't put the time and effort needed to grow that business. While I think it was the right decision for my business partner and I to shut it down, given all the other stuff in our personal lives, we probably could've kept it open and made it work.
2. Take ownership and responsibility for my choices. Recognize and embrace the power I have over my own life.
As I've written about in a previous blog post, while working under terrible managers / in toxic work environments, I became a victim in my own mind. Looking back, I was extremely triggered and responded poorly, making things harder for myself. I don't have to take everything personally. I don't have to care about every little thing. I let work become a huge source of pain and misery and for that, I ned to hold myself accountable. I am in charge of my life, of how I let my emotions affect me, and it's something I want to be mindful of going forward.
3. Balance the needs and wants present and future me. Live fully today while preparing and planning for the future.
When I was in my early 20s, I did not think about my personal finances. I didn't have any debt, but I also had very little savings and investments. Now that I am focused on becoming financially independent, I am more focused on saving and investing than every before. At the same time, I want to live fully in the present, which means spending money and time on things that bring joy today, not always delaying gratification. At the same time, this is a tricky line to toe, as in some cases, I've definitely succumbed to instant gratification. This is especially true for diet and exercise, where I eat what I want now and pay for it in the future (and visa versa with not exercising). I would've though that after 15+ years of dieting, losing and gaining weight, and constantly struggling with my body image, that at some I would be better at this. In some ways I am. I am less obsessed with how I look but I've also gained 15 lbs since my college weight (and 30 lbs since my lowest weight). Sometimes I'm shocked to see a photo of myself where I can see the weight gain, because in my head, I'm still living in the same body that I had in college, even though my metabolism is not the same. That being said, I now want to focus more on balance and health, thinking of today's me who wants to have ice cream and skip yoga and tomorrow's me who will be glad I skipped the sweets and hit the gym.
This is a continual process of reflecting, acknowledging, accepting that we are flawed humans trying our best. With our experiences and growing wisdom, hopefully we can actually become the idealized person we already are in our heads. Even just being aware and trying is sign that we're walking in the right direction. Like I said, this is part of enjoying the process and continuing to try even when things get tough.